SELF-LEADERSHIP V: ACTIVE LISTENING

A lot of conflicts among people originate from misunderstandings and miscommunication. Very often we do not have the patience to listen to what other people say but interrupt abruptly and make our own judgment. Owing to differences in opinions and perspectives, the frustrations incurred destroy the harmonious relationship between the two parties concerned. The solution to such situation is to have an open and frank communication which is considered as an essential people skill in this fast pacing world. Having good communication skills can help you impress others, increasing your ability to negotiate, persuade and make an influence.

Communication is actually a two-way traffic – to listen and then to speak or vice-versa. Interestingly, man is created to have two ears and one mouth. This implies that listening is more important than speaking. Such an idea is highly promoted by Dr. Stephen Covey in his books as one of the seven habits of highly effective people, i.e. “Seek first to understand, then to be understood”. Ironically listening skill is assumed to be known to everybody instead of being trained as for reading, writing and speaking in our education system. Listening tests are not intended to teach you to become a good listener but to test your concentration, focus and accuracy of interpretation. To learn to be a good listener, you need to practise active listening. To many people, listening seems to be a passive process of being kept quiet while another person speaks. Many studies showed that less than 50% of the message could be conveyed to a person due to mind wandering, hearing selectively and making premature judgments from one’s personal frame of reference. Active listening helps you show your respect to the speaker and understand the message better through gaining more information and looking from different aspects. In order to do so, pay attention to the speaker by looking at him directly and discipline yourself to silence all self-talks in your mind. With this undivided attention, you may get some hidden messages from his body language as well. Show your attention by nodding occasionally and using facial expressions. Sometimes, saying a brief note like “yes” invites and encourages the speaker to continue. Do not interrupt the speaker rudely but allow him to finish what he wants to say. Then reflect, paraphrase or summarize what the speaker says as the role of a listener is to understand what the message is all about. If necessary, clarify those points that you do not understand by asking questions. Understanding involves communication with the speaker knowing his needs and intention by sharing the thoughts and beliefs you have heard and the feelings and emotions you have identified. Once this stage has been reached, respond accordingly and act sensibly.

In real life, it is often easier said than done. People like to switch the topic of conversation when they do not want to hear, or talk inappropriately or irrelevantly about themselves. Moreover, the speed of thinking is much faster than that of speaking. Thus while someone speaks, people tend to diagnose the situation from their own perspective and experience, to be judgmental trying to advise or help fixing it. Sometimes they even compete with the speaker to advocate their points of view instead of genuinely showing interest in understanding. In many cases, these are doing more harm than good. In fact, the speaker may simply want to express his emotion and release the stress by having someone listening to him. Having empathy and putting yourself in his shoes trying to truly understand his motivation and stance distinguishes you what a good listener is. However, listening without response is just like talking to a wall. It undermines the relationship and discourages mutual understanding. The art is how to strike a balance between listening and responding. During interaction, seeking understanding should always come first and then respond appropriately and calmly by being candid, open, honest and respectful.

REFERENCES:
Covey, S. (1998). The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Teens: The Ultimate Teenage Success Guide Fireside.
Covey, S.R. (2004). The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People: Powerful Lessons in Personal Change Free Press.